i like kamp krusty's conclusion:
yeah. i think i would want to say the same. would you say talk to him about?
Am I a fraud?
Or are you pleased with me? If you are, can I hear you say it?
"I realized that I had come to a point of desperation and that I can honestly say my greatest desire in life is to know that God is with me. I set my faith toward this great goal.
The truth of the matter is that I'd rather be unhappy and know that God is with me, than be happy, comfortable, and unsure of God's presence.
I remember times gone by of incredible fulfillment and others of great unhappiness, but the single thread that holds them together is that I knew that God was with me at the heart of it all. He was caught up in my decision-making on a daily basis and I felt truly alive. Right now by contrast I am technically happy but there is this underlying sense of dullness. I just spent a while in the midsts of dawn on the Trundle [a local hill] looking for God, crying, trying to listen, being honest in a way that has to whisper.
Later Samie asked me what God had said to me, and I replied, "nothing." God said nothing, and that's okay, because I'm starting to wrestle for His presence again, and I'm prepared to wait. I feel like God is waiting to see if I am waiting. If he just flooded in with answers and guidance right now, I would not have changed, I would not have learned to wait and trust without the answers, and without a road map for the future. So I'm kind of glad that God was silent, because I actually want to wait, I want to prove my metal to God; I don't necessarily want ease and instant anything anymore.
I want to be different before I do anything different. So I'm waiting for God, and God is waiting for me to see if I am really waiting for Him, and not just wanting things from Him. And as God and I eyeball each other in this way, I feel good. I feel alive and engaged with what matters, and I'm going to win this waiting game with God." 29, Red Moon Rising by Pete Grieg
"meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. selah." psalm 4:4b