i browsed through some of my older posts today. i'm not sure i remember the person that wrote them. i see myself in them, but at the same time its reading someone else's thoughts.
was talking with the girlfriend about how my blog has basically died :). we talked about how it was a good outlet for me to chew through things i was going through, life, love, God, why. people say things in writing or on the internets that they wouldn't say in person. and thoughts get fleshed out differently in writing.
so if i'm not posting now - does that mean i'm not really chewing through stuff anymore? i ruminated on it today when i was driving around doing some errands.
at some point i think around my senior year in college - i stopped the reflective posts. i think it had a lot to do with the fact that i realized that i didn't have much to say. when you're young and idealistic (not to say i'm no longer these things), there's a tendency to put things out with a "so what who cares" attitude. somewhere along the line of realizing i didn't have answers or tidy conclusions - i think i lost my voice.
the biggest thing post-college was my black and white world blowing up into shades of gray. certain things weren't so certain anymore. this wasn't a bad thing - but i began to be suspicious of people (or rather, myself) or came across as having the whole God and life thing figured out.
i also began to realize that i spent a lot of time acquiring information and knowledge about God but came to the startling conclusion that i really didn't KNOW God.
when i was in college i used to devour books on spirituality. i listened to sermons, was inspired...and the wrote a blog post about it ;) then around my senior year, i read "blue like jazz" and everything went out the window.
the culmination of all these "oh schnaps" revelations was that i just shut up. part of it was also that i began to have outlets of processing that i didn't have before, the girlfriend, good friends.
i stopped reading the new testament for a season because i just didn't have the appetite for it. i dropped reading "God books" too. i've had a hard time "re-learning." its just been easier to read about things i know i don't know anything about than to read about things that leave me confused.
now its been a two-ish year journey in and out of uncertainty, bitterness, skepticism, cynicism, anti-religion, and apathy. i think i still have many of those things, though i'm hoping those feelings and emotions mature into something good.
i'm trying to redefine what it means for me to go hard after God without all the legalistic trappings of before. i'm going hard after relationship, and wanting to go out into deeper water instead of playing around in the certainty of shallow shores.
the conclusion i reached today was that i think its time for me to get into those things again. one of my strengths is input - i suck in new information like no one's business. anyone who's seen my rss feed list in google reader knows this. but part of the redemption of this information vacuum is that it enables me to think new thoughts after God. i need to be stimulated, i need new angles to see God's Kingdom, Satan's kingdom, and just plain life. in part of my effort to love God with all who i am -- i need to continuously think new thoughts after God.
so does this mean i'll start blogging again? i hope so.