BURBANK — America's most popular celebrity prophets turned out Sunday night for the 15th annual American Prophetic Awards.
"For fans of prophetic ministry, this is the big night," said celebrity reporter Jonathan McCloud, stationed at the red carpet where prophets in stunning evening wear arrived for the gala celebration.
Russ Springer, wearing a three-button Giorgio Armani tuxedo with notched grosgrain lapels, took home the award for Best Special Effects for his Recurring Glory Mist, beating out Diane Knight and her Gold Dust/Gold Teeth phenomena. Both prophetic effects have caused a nationwide sensation.
"Thank you, members of the academy," Springer said, cradling the crystal statuette, the first of his career.
Elmer White of Texas took home the award for Most Convincing Prophetic Delivery. Randy Delgado, last year's Viewer's Choice: Sexiest Prophet winner, received the award for Best Prophetic Bulletin, then began prophesying from the dais.
"I see three angels standing in the balcony," he said as pre-teen girls screamed and fainted in excitement.
"We love you, Randy!" yelled one. Delgado gave personal words from the Lord to people in the audience, but went over time and his mic was cut. On his way off stage he prophesied over the next presenter, who was slain in the Spirit and remained twitching on the edge of the platform for the rest of the ceremony in her dazzling v-neck gown by Vera Wang. The audience roared its approval.
The Award for Humility went to Kent Overton, who initially refused to accept it, but finally agreed because "it will look like false humility if I say no," he said.
Best Supporting Prophet went to young superstar J.T. Simers, wearing a classic two-button wool crepe suit, who said the Holy Spirit had told him in advance he would win.
The night's biggest award, the coveted "'Lyjee," went to Stanley Hargrove of On the Throne Ministries, who thanked his family, fellow celebrity prophets and "members of the Knights of the Order of the Maltese Falcon, and you know who you are."
"This is a crowning achievement for any professional prophet," he said, holding the American Elijah trophy aloft.
After the event, cheering crowds lined the red carpet and clamored for autographs, while prophets reached across the velvet rope to pray for them. Hundreds of fans were slain in the Spirit by the time the prophets climbed into their limousines and headed for various conferences.
Stuff like this is only funny because there's a good amount of truth in it. Yay for Lark News for satire. Boo for superstar ministries.