Wednesday, December 10, 2003

*sigh* ... I got a long way to go. God, seriously, save me from myself. The only one wrecking things around here is me.

So post CSE-101-final-that-I-studied-four-days-for-and-was-totally-confident-that-i-would-rock-it ... post that final, I am straight up bummed. I definitely am taking this a lot better than I used to, but its quite apparent how much I still try to find worth in academic excellence.

Oooh lookie, I study harder than everyone else ... ohh lookie, Benson has A.

Maybe we should give him a cookie.

As my friend Manish would say, "Seriously, that's just retarded."

It's not that I want to totally not care about academics ... but I want to be in a place where whether I fail or excel, I know that its from God. Is it so bad to scrape by on C's if that means knowing that God is your hope, your provision, and your wisdom?

I think the thing that bugs me so much is that there is a part of me that is thinking, "If you had only studied harder."

I studied as best I knew how to. The fact that it wasn't enough absolutely kills the pride.

If that's what it takes God. I've always asked to keep breaking me 'til You are everything. I am definitely in a better place than I was a year ago, even a quarter ago. You are able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than I can ever ask or imagine. You are good. Blessed be Your name. You give and take away.

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