Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Mm...it's been a struggle to see the abundant skies as of late. But I see them. I'm been trying to live it out by His grace ...

Where I'm at right now? Hard to say to be honest. A brother I know recently posted on his xanga about so often it is the external things that establish how we're doing with God. That somehow if I didn't wake up and fill out my "God-routine" of getting into the good book, praying a lot, and all the other external things that a good Christian boy ought to do ... somehow my relationship with God is off its axis. And yeah, I've been doing those things ... but honestly, there have been times where I haven't been and I've "felt" close to God, that I've been "doing" well. A bunch of rubbish indeed.

It has been on the back of my mind for a bit ... people have been asking a lot about how I've been doing. And I've been saying .... good. Because, honestly, I don't know what else to say. I'm clearly not doing bad ... well, I suppose not because usually when you're doing bad ... you know you're doing bad. And if God is good all the time ... then things HAVE to be going good right? Maybe.

So is the question of "how are you doing" really just an emotional gauge? how are you doing emotionally?

Somehow that doesn't quite cut it either.

To be honest, I don't know how I'm doing. Emotionally, its been better. its not so much the emotional roller coaster that I expressed couple weeks back. Which is a good thing I suppose, but dang ... are we on an emotional flatline now? Hehe ... I guess I can't be satisfied either way. :-D

Been feeling the push for something lately, not quite sure what. Just been trying to obedient to God's voice, sometimes I am successful, other times not. But I'm pressing in for more. I read someone's xanga yesterday of a girl that I don't know too well, just happened to run across it via someone else's journal. It was really encouraging. I'm personally not really a fan of the "cutesyness" (is that even a word...shoot.) that is prevalent on seemingly most girls from ages 8 -> infinity. (DISCLAIMER: Okay, okay .. not ALL girls are like this .. .and yes, it is more endearing on some people than not. Yes I'm biased. Okay fine, this is a totally unfounded statement that I'm pulling out from nowhere. Its subjective. =P Its my blog and I can be a poo poo if I want to :-D). Anyway, it was refreshingly personal and had substantive content. One of the coolest things in this world is hearing people talk about pursuing God, and wanting more of him. People have been doing this since the Old Testament, you had people like Moses, David, Daniel, the list goes on. A rich tradition of God-chasers that goes into even today ... and with each person, their own personality shines through when they share. That is what this girl did in her xanga. I thought that was pretty cool. Yup.

Anyway, if you managed to read to this point of the rambling entry ... I congratulate you. You get a big fatty gold star. Because now I'm going to talk about my day. So...its been kind of interesting seeing God working in my academics. For CSE 140L, we have a fatty lab due this Friday. I was expecting to work on this thing day and night. It was supposed to own my life for the next week. Well, my partner and I met up earlier today and we wrapped up the last portion in 10 minutes. It was anticlimatic really. I definitely praise God ... because I KNOW that it was definitely him hooking it up. I dont' even remember what I did or how I did it...but it works. This week is going to be a WHOLE lot easier because its done too.

Oh but wait.

There's more.

Yup, there is more! (God's goodness just don't STOP.)

So today in Music, because of the threatened TA strike ... our prof cancels the oral portion of our final exam this Thursday. You have no idea what a relief this was to me. For the most part Music 1A has been absolute cake ... but the oral protion of the exam SUCKS. But I don't have to worry about it anymore.

So. Consequently. AS A RESULT. Because of these developments, there's either a whole lot of studying that needs to be done this week that I don't know about yet, something FAT is going down that God is gearing me up for, or are just some things that God wants me to take care. Yesterday my d-group talked about hearing God's voice in the little things. Allllrightey then. He sure doesn't waste any time holding me accountable to that one.

Last song to hijack Benson's-in-the-head-playing-a-song-thingy: Tim Hughes' "Consuming Fire"

Stir it up in our hearts, Lord, a passion for Your Name!

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