Thursday, February 27, 2003

No, no we have not come to establish a legacy for ourselves, to establish a record of what great we did. No, we have come to be the highway upon which a move of God will run, the likes which we have never seen ...

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

i prayed that God's hand would be heavy upon us. that He would give us a burden of love that cannot be ignored.. that His hand would come down on us and have us brought to our knees in prayer for His glory... and that because it's HIS hand... that we are able to love it, and bear it, and rejoice...

OH YEAH BABY.

Its when people speak with wisdom like such that I am reminded that I need to keep my mouth shut more often. :)

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Wow ... I can be such a selfish prick ... *sigh*

So when it comes down to it .. .will it be friends or will it be school work? :-/ ... I feel so guilty for choosing school work ... and yet, I'd feel guilty if I chose my friends ...

Gosh that hurts ...
If anyone else does one of those STUPID surveys I'm going to have to hurt something.

^_- ... the same survey people ... at least change it up!!

Monday, February 24, 2003

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me
When the world's "all as it should be," blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name

You give and take away, You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, "Lord blessed be Your name"

Friday, February 21, 2003

Hey guys ... I hope this post finds you alive and well. I am doing substantially better ...

Its been a long week. There's nothing really new about that statement, but I think it sums it up pretty well. School has been absolute murder for me. Haha ... that's not news either ... but its been a bit more ... I dunno ... painful this quarter ;). I bombed my CSE 30 midterm. No way I can really sugar coat that one. Somewhere near the bottom 10 people of the class ... there I am. No kidding on that one. I had to the chance to review all my mistakes today. There was only one section where I really did not understand (and could not do division by 2 ... perhaps the easiest division next to 1 and 0). All the other ones? Just sucked it up with my weaksauce performance. Made some uhrm ... not so great assumptions which basically domino-ed all the down. *shrugs*

Anyway, that's done and over with. As for my other classes, they're going okay. I never cease to be amazed as to how people juggle so many classes and do so well. Especially those who need to put in effort ;). *shrugs* I sure can't do it well.

Hrm...more mundane details of my life. Uhh, registered for classes yesterday. No four day weekends :(. CSE 100, 105, MUIR 50, and MATH 183. Kind of bland ... but I think I'm going to hold off on GE's for awhile. There's a pretty good possibility that I'm going to drop MATH 183 next quarter though. CSE 100 is supposed to rape and pillage me.

Ok done with recapping my sorry academic life.

So. I've just been feeling life .. time ... pushing me forward against my own will. The past two weeks with all the academia has been poop. Don't get me wrong ... God sooo hooked up the grace and mercy ... and he hooked up my CSE 21 grade .. and my programs .. and my reading/papers ... people who were so encouraging even though I was being a poohead. He did it. I dunno, I don't particularly enjoy living life hanging by the thread ... and that's what its felt like the past couple weeks. One side of me has just wanted to drop everything and just focus on God. .. and the other (which won out), just wanted to drop all relationships and responsibilities and focus on school. And as time-pressed as I was ... I live for the responsibility, esp. if it is a challenge within my reach. I kind of enjoy being productive, and cramming for programs ... because the thrill of seeing results of your labor. Aww man ... that's a great feeling. I derive immense satisfaction from getting a program to work ... from studying hard for an exam that I thought I was going to fail and then pulling off the A ... whatever.

But God's been doing the paradigm shift again. That's not how I work, Benson. Somewhere between 8 and 9 PM tonight ... a part of me died. A part of me who formerly sought joy from this world, who sought to derive joy by and for myself. See guys, it all goes back to the source ... when we become Christians .. we have actively said, "God, your ways are not my ways. Your will is not my will. But from here on out, I am seeking YOUR ways and YOUR will." That encompasses our joys guys. It encompasses our desires, our passions, our dislikes, it covers everything. I dunno, perhaps I'm being legalistic. But in the Word it says to count the cost. You know what I'm realizing? That being a Christian is expensive! Its costly ... because God takes you in ... He's in it for the long haul. He's it in for EVERYTHING. He's in it for ALL of you. And when you agree to that .. you are committing all of you. Everything. All. I dunno, I couldn't find any loop holes in that one. Haha ... actually I tried to .. but God's kicking my butt. See this is what I love about God, the upside kingdom ... its always backwards ... if you're humble, you're lifted up ...if you're prideful, you're brought down low ... if you think you can do it yourself, you're wrong ... if you think you know it all, then you don't really have all the knowledge you thought ... if you want to save your life, you gotta lose it ... and if you want joy, you've got to be willing to give up your joys for Gods.

And dang it. Its painful. Oh God its painful! But this is what the training that Paul talks about is all about. Its about getting down and dirty. When I played soccer, the first week of conditional was pure hell ... I was sore all over, I had pulled muscles that I didn't know I had. Hehe, do you guys remember when you haven't exercised in awhile and then you get in a really good workout? Oh .. you're really sore the next day. But it feels good ... because we know our muscles are getting exercised. The term, "a good kind of sore." Haha wow ... that's what Paul means when he tells us to rejoice in our sufferings!

We're habitual creatures by nature .. God created us that way. But when we train, we are breaking down old habits, and developing new ones. This isn't some deep spiritual concept. Ask any psychologist. If you want to break a habit, you have to deny it .. everytime you want to do it. And you have to replace it with another one. One thing that I've realized is that breaking a habit isn't so much about not doing something. I've always looked at it that way. And I've always failed. We've been failling the "nots" and the "donts" since Day 1. But breaking out of habit is about developing a new one. You need to actively engage in this. When we say, "I've got to stop being lazy," the implication is that we're going to do something about it. There is an action. Instead of being lazy, I am choosing to ... whatever.

*Beep.*

I guess the source of a lot of this came from a pretty cool thing that happened today. Today I went to help out with Crusade ... and the guys and girls split up today. The guys were supposed to go to the beach and the girls stayed in SOLIS. Soo...I help out with the A/V stuff at D:77 ... and the girls needed a powerpoint presentation up and running. For whatever reason, we were lagging and we didn't get the projector up in time to set up the powerpoint before things got started. So, right after annoucements, the guys and girls split up ... so now's my chance to get the powerpoint going. By the time I got it done ... all the guys had already left for the beach and I'm facing the prospect of running A/V for a bunch of girls.

Don't get me wrong. Girls are cool. Usually. But not when I'm the only guy in a room full of like 30 or so girls. Since powerpoint really only involves the use of a single digit on your hand ... I asked one of the girls to handle the presentation. I felt soooo awkward leaving. Heh, I went outside ... not expecting to see any guys. And.... I didn't see any guys. (And yes, I'm a little bit disappointed by that fact.) So ... what the heck do I do for the next two hours?

I went next door to the other SOLIS lecture hall. SCORE. Completely empty. So I'm thinking ... I've been praying all week to have time and place to just chill and relax with God ... to kind of regroup. I have two hours. An empty lecture hall. Ahahahahaha ... First thing I do? I sat down in a chair in the back ... and just prayed for a good nap. Haha ... I think I slept for a good 30 minutes or so. So I wake up and I realize my phone's ringing. And I finally got a chance to chat with my Mom... uninterrupted and unhurried for the first time in awhile. That was good. And then I prayed. I can't even recount most of the stuff I prayed .. it went by really quick ... but God just took my spirit and refreshed it. It was just AWESOME. And I prayed and prayed ... and just the general tone went from discouragement and weariness to peace, joy, and strength. I really don't know how to explain it. And then at one point ... I felt I needed to stop praying for myself .. and start praying for guys that I've promised to intercede for. And shooooot ... haha, that was even more crazygonuts. I don't know to explain it. It knocked the hizzle off the shizzle ... off the da hook ... double deuce moment ... ah it was great.

Woo. Hrm, should program now =P

Sunday, February 16, 2003

There haven't been too many substantial posts as of late .. and I was reflecting on that (and other stuff) today, I realized that I haven't been doing to great as of late. (yeah, retarded huh? I had to reflect on not posting in my blog in a substantial way to realize that. So stupid at times.)

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Wow its 4 AM .. I'm reading sappy Vday entries and listening to Keith Sweat's Nobody. Oh! A recipe for HAPPINESS!

LOL .. its time to crash y'all. I hope you guys had a good conclusion to a long week.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Why I love Tozer:

"In spite of the undeniable lukewarmness of most of us we still fear that unless we keep a careful check on ourselves we shall surely lose our dignity and become howling fanatics by this time next week. We set a watch upon our emotions day and night lest we become over-spiritual and bring reproach upon the cause of Christ. Which all, if I may say so, is for most of us about as sensible as throwing a cordon of police around a cemetery to prevent a wild political demonstration by the inhabitants."

Monday, February 10, 2003

I think as things get busy, relationships are the first to go on the need-to-do list. *sigh* And as things wind down you try to pick up all the broken pieces ...

Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, much to do much to do. BUT. I'd love to hang out with people over food. Its the only time where I'm not studying. Hrm. I guess this means I have to take initiative. :-D .. we ALL know how that one goes ;)
Its 1 AM ... and my spirit is really wanting to bust out with a long entry .. but I'll keep it in for the moment. I apologize for the lack of real updating for the past week. I'm in the midst of two week run where I have had (or will have) a total of 5 midterms, 2 quizzes, and a fatty program due. I've successfully missed the birthday of a good friend (whom I've yet to call), more or less fell flat on my face in all my classes, ignored everyone save a few who still have the guts to try to deal with me as I fade to nerdasis. Surprisingly .. I've held together well ... the only time I really felt the pressure was when I allowed my tiredness to take my focus off Him. Otherwise, its been slow and steady. Definitely. Definitely tough. On all fronts.

And yet I must maintain discipline. Not so much for me, but because God has called me to. If faith is truly learning what it means to hang on to God in spite of everything, I can't collapse now ... I can't slow down now. "Let us therefore come boldly unto the Throne of Grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

Thanks to Janet, who has provided food and love for the exhausted programmer, I can feel God's love through you; Daniel, who has once again shown wisdom beyond his years and encouragement/exhortation to stop looking at myself, but to look to the Author and Perfecter of our faith,; Chris, who despite sleeping half of his life away (I'm just kidding...kinda) ... has been a person I can be honest with and him with me, God has blessed me with a roomie and friend for such a time is this!; Sabrina, a covert agent to end all covert agents, thanks for the words of kindness and care .. it means more than my attempts at support shows :); Mel ... your messages always lift my day up .. thanks so much; Harvest soph guys ... from steakathons to Sam Woos .. I've been blessed time and again by your humility, servitude, humor, and fellowship; my Jesus ... my Savior and my Deliverer. For you are good, your love endures forever. You truly are my anchor, the winds of this world always threaten to blow me down ... and often do, especially when I forget my identity in You. And yet You went to the cross for me. I am Yours forever.

Saturday, February 08, 2003

"All things are naked and open unto the eyes of Him with Whom we have to do. Seeing then that we have a Great High Priest; that is passed into the Heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. For we have not an High Priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the Throne of Grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:13-16

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

John Paul Jackson: Lessons From God's Courtroom

I remember the first time it happened, when "guilty as charged" was proclaimed by the jury.

In a dream, I watched as 12 heads nodded in disapproval, marking me with a "scarlet letter." They cried out unanimously, "You shouldn't have said it. You need to make a public retraction."

I sat in my (electric) chair stunned by the charge and the verdict. I was innocent. My words, now twisted, gnarled, were totally misconstrued and no longer represented the meaning I had given them. Although I had indeed said a portion of what I was being accused, but I was completely misunderstood. My motives had been inspected and judged to be malicious and premeditated.

Throughout this trial, no one from the prosecution had allowed me to take the stand. I was not given the opportunity to explain my actions. The sentence had simply been imposed.

Indignant, I stood, shook the dust from my feet, and left the courtroom as a bitter young man. Although my accusers never threw me into a real jail, I had put myself in a harsher prison. I had fallen into a trap of the enemy and was blind to a growing bondage of bitterness and self-righteousness.

THE PRISON OF BITTERNESS

For a long time, I carried that grudge. After all, it hadn't been fair. I was never allowed to explain myself. No one really understood what I meant by my words. I was judged in their court of law and my guilt was determined. I was never allowed to defend myself. I was never allowed to tell them why I thought I was right!

In fact, I was forced to repent multiple times in front of audiences who had never heard me speak the things that I had said. No excuses or self-explanation was allowed. I was required to do penance, which seemed to mortify my own reputation.

I had always taken pride in my reputation of integrity and honesty, realizing that those were essential traits in building a foundation for any ministry. It was then that I discovered a reputation is dangerous, but character is priceless. Character is all that is left when faced with a crisis.

HARBORING RESENTMENT

I spent more years than I'd care to admit harboring my resentment. I may not have verbalized my feelings directly to others since I didn't want to slander a brother outright, but my tone and sarcastic remarks revealed my heart. Through it all, God was trying to reveal the self-centered condition of my heart. I couldn't see that He had allowed me to be broken so that He could continue to use me.

Scripture reminds us: "The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds" (Jeremiah 17:9-10).

As I harbored resentment in my heart, any revelation that I received about my accusers was tainted with darkness and doom. In fact, I never saw any blessing in their future, only their sin and God's impending judgment. In this soulish realm, it is impossible to discern the holy from the profane. Bitterness is counter-productive to God's healing love. My actions, therefore, forced God to flow around me instead of through me.

My self-imposed sentence was longer than I had hoped for. I didn't understand that I could have shortened the time simply by heartfelt repentance.

What I know now is the only key that opens a prison cell is the key of forgiveness. The only way I could forgive would be to give up my perceived rights and embrace the realization that I didn't have the right to be right! Not only that, but I didn't have the right to defend myself.

What I learned from my trial changed my life. It enabled me to respond differently to harsh and hurtful accusations and rumors. I learned that when we choose to follow Jesus Christ whole-heartedly, we thereby choose to give up the right to defend ourselves.

THE "NO DEFENSE" PRINCIPLE

In the Bible, we are told that Jesus was led like a lamb to the slaughter (Isaiah 53:7). He was silent before His accusers. Despite the great injustices that He suffered, He never defended Himself. His apostles never defended themselves. Likewise, as His disciple you should also never defend yourself. You should only defend God and other people. If you believe and embrace this principle, you will find that God will vindicate you directly or indirectly (through others). Scripture does encourage us to defend one another, not ourselves.

Jesus defended His Father twice. He defended His Father's honor by clearing out the temple and He defended His Father's authority by telling Pilate that He had no power except what is given Him by the Father. Jesus allowed people to come against Him, but He never allowed anyone to accuse His Father.

Jesus also defended the Holy Spirit by warning us not to blaspheme or grieve the Holy Spirit. In the Early Church, Ananias and Sapphira were punished because they lied to the Holy Spirit. In this place of higher spiritual anointing, the Holy Spirit could not allow this grievance to go unanswered.

If you observe this NO DEFENSE principle, God will defend you by His direct intervention or by inspiring it through others. It is much easier and quicker to see God's vindication through others toward us. It is much more difficult for us to develop the patience to simply wait for God's vindication, which brings God's power and glory.

Natural vindication through others brings some glory to God, but more glory to man. Spiritual vindication brings more glory to God than to man. Therefore, the spiritually immature by their very nature seek natural vindication. On the other hand, the mature have learned through various trials to wait and trust the Lord for spiritual vindication.

CYCLE OF SUFFERING-BLESSING-POWER

If you feel falsely accused and misunderstood, perhaps God is trying to reveal the self-centered condition of your heart. Or, if your heart is humble and pure before God, perhaps others are simply being hurtful. If this is the case, God will vindicate you. You can take heart in Jesus' words:

"Blessed are you when men cast insults at you, and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely, on account of Me. Rejoice, and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you" (Matthew 5:11-12).

"Blessed are you when men hate you, And when they exclude you, And revile you, and cast out your name as evil, For the Son of Man's sake. Rejoice in that day and leap for joy! For indeed your reward is great in heaven, For in like manner their fathers did to the prophets. But woe to you who are rich, For you have received your consolation. Woe to you who are full, For you shall hunger. Woe to you who laugh now, For you shall mourn and weep. Woe to you when all men speak well of you, For so did their fathers to the false prophets. " (Luke 6:22-26).

To be blessed means to be envied, happy, and fortunate.

Looking at the Greek translation, the passage in Luke 6 actually says, "...Rejoice and be glad, because the reward for you [is] much in the heavens..." which implies the reward is prepared in the heavens and can be given to you while on earth or in heaven, or both.

God proves His intimacy by granting you corresponding power to the level of intimacy you have with Him at the time of suffering. This is why Paul and Silas sang loudly with joy after being beaten and imprisoned (Acts 16:25). Because of their persecution and mistreatment, God was justified in blessing and empowering them for the expansion of the Church. Paul longed to partake in the fellowship of Jesus' sufferings because it brought dunamis power (Philippians 3:10-11).

What do you need to remember? Simply this, whenever Satan is persecuting us by stirring up lies, conflicts, dissention, and discord, God will take up our defense and bring justice our way. It may take longer than our own defense, but it will always be better. God's justice most often brings greater influence and power.
Francis Frangipane: Casting Down the Accuser of the Brethren

"Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, who accuses them before our God day and night" (Rev. 12:10).

There will be an actual point in time when the salvation, power and kingdom of God, as well as the authority of Christ, is manifested in the earth. While we wait patiently for the final fulfillment of that glorious event at the return of Jesus Christ, the spirit of this reality can be possessed any time a people determine to walk free of criticism and faultfinding, and turn their sights toward love and prayer for each other.

There are God-ordained procedures to initiate correction within a church. These corrections should be done by "you who are spiritual . . in a spirit of gentleness . . . looking to yourself, lest you too be tempted." Your motive should not be to destroy, but to "restore such a one" (Gal. 6:1). Accusations against an elder, though, should not even be received except on the basis of two or three witnesses (1 Tim. 5:19). The "witnesses" spoken of here are eye-witnesses, not the intuitive "witness" or "sense" someone receives apart from hard and visible facts. All too often, these sense "witnesses" are sent by hell to destroy the harmony of a church with rumors and gossip.

When the scriptural approach to rectifying a situation is ignored, it opens the door to fault-finding, fleshly criticisms, and judging, which are the evidences that the "accuser of the brethren" is assaulting the church. Where these sins are operative, the movement of the Holy Spirit is restricted: salvations are few, power is minimal, and spiritual authority is crippled. Such a church is in serious danger.

To be truly anointed to bring Christ's corrections to a church, one must be anointed with Christ's motives. The Scriptures are plain, Jesus "always lives to make intercession for [the saints]" (Heb. 7:25; Rom. 8:34). God does not call us to judge each other, but to pray for one another. If we see a need in the body of Christ, we must intercede and not simply criticize. Our pattern must be to follow Christ in building and restoring, not to echo the accuser of the brethren in finding fault.

Many years ago I belonged to a national Christian organization that had several serious problems. At that time I was pastoring a small church and I felt perhaps we should leave this group because of what was wrong. So, with fasting and prayer, the congregation and I began to seek the Lord. At the end of that time I wrote a "list" of complaints and, actually holding them before God, I prayed (somewhat self-righteously),

"Lord, look at the errors in these people. Direct us, Lord, what should we do?"
Immediately the Lord replied, "Have you seen these things?"
"Yes, Lord," I answered, "I have seen their sins."
To which He said, "So also have I, but I died for them, you go and do likewise."

From that day on, I found a grace from God to seek to be a source of life and prayer wherever I was serving God. I determined to not be overwhelmed by what was wrong, but to seek to bring redemption to every situation.

You see, we will always be serving in churches where something is wrong. Our response to what we see defines how Christlike we are actually becoming. If we see weakness in the body of Christ, our call is to supply strength. Where we see sin, our response is to exemplify virtue. When we discover fear, we must impart courage; and where there is worldliness, we must display holiness. Our assignment is to enter the place of need and stand there until the body of Christ is built up in that area.

Can You Make It Right?

The year was 1981. I had saved my money and purchased a Commodore 64 computer. Eagerly, I opened the box, unwrapped the computer, and plugged in the monitor and keyboard. But nothing happened; the screen was blank. Try as I might, I couldn't make it work. I studied the instructions, looked at the sample pictures, but still couldn't make it function as I knew it should. You see, it doesn't take any skill to recognize that a blank screen is wrong; the skill comes in making it right.

Likewise, anyone can see what's wrong with a person, a church or a community. The question is this: When we see something wrong, do we know how to make things right? How can we reveal the character and prayer-life of Jesus, and reverse what was wrong?

The truth is, beloved, that the Lord has intentionally placed us in a world that is imperfect, for the area of need before us is the "land of our anointing." In other words, where we see something that is less than Christ, we are also seeing our opportunity to become Christlike. The Lord doesn't want us to complain that the nursery carpet is dirty; He wants us to clean the carpet. He doesn't want us to discuss how poor the pastor's preaching is; He desires we intercede for the pastor.

Currently, there has been an increased attack of discontent, criticism and outright slander coming against a number of ministries. It's not that some of the issues raised are not in need of transformation; the real issue is that God has not called us to criticize, but to exercise the power of intercessory prayer. Satan wants to destroy ministries; God wants to purify and transform. We must choose to stand with the Lord--even praying for the critics, as well.

We will never see the "salvation . . . power . . . kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ" come until "the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down." Let us begin this march toward victory today by casting down the accuser from our minds and hearts, and submitting ourselves to the intercessory heart of Jesus Christ.
But the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God,
for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because they
are spiritually discerned.
--1 Corinthians 2:14

The doctrine of the inability of the human mind and the need for
divine illumination is so fully developed in the New Testament that
it is nothing short of astonishing that we should have gone so far
astray about the whole thing. Fundamentalism has stood aloof from
the Liberal in self-conscious superiority and has on its own part
fallen into error, the error of textualism, which is simply
orthodoxy without the Holy Ghost. Everywhere among Conservatives we
find persons who are Bible-taught but not Spirit-taught. They
conceive truth to be something which they can grasp with the mind.
If a man hold to the fundamentals of the Christian faith he is
thought to possess divine truth. But it does not follow. There is no
truth apart from the Spirit. The most brilliant intellect may be
imbecilic when confronted with the mysteries of God. For a man to
understand revealed truth requires an act of God equal to the
original act which inspired the text....

Conservative Christians in this day are stumbling over this truth.
We need to re-examine the whole thing. We need to learn that truth
consists not in correct doctrine, but in correct doctrine plus the
inward enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. We must declare again the
mystery of wisdom from above. A re-preachment of this vital truth
could result in a fresh breath from God upon a stale and suffocating
orthodoxy. The Pursuit of Man, 76-77,84.

"Lord, I do believe in the authority of the Scriptures, and thank
You for that foundation of truth. But I need this reminder that even
that inspired text is not alive until the Holy Spirit takes it and
enlightens the recipients. May the Holy Spirit indeed take what I
teach and imbed it in the hearts and minds of my hearers. Amen."

Monday, February 03, 2003

Hubris will be the death of me (and my GPA).
The ever-wise Jon Chan:

"For ever action, there is a equal and opposite reaction. Hence, you play saturday, then you pay at the library sunday."

OH YEAH BABY.
this is for me to edit later:

fear.

confession.
its a loss of innocence
and we're barreling towards
bigger and better
cynical and calloused

---

"take me higher
draw me closer
pull me deeper than
i've ever been before"
- lincoln brewster

---

i can't straddle the border forever. you can't move on if you're holding onto something else. if you encounter a paradigm shift of thought .. don't you need to change everything?

---

"word to break these chains." - jars of clay

---

God, what's your pulse? How fast does your heart beat? How fast do you run? Do you cry? What it does it feel like to have heartache? What is it like to experience joy? How deep and how wide is your love?

Sunday, February 02, 2003

Oh by the way. To all my Norcal buddies.

SAN DIEGO WEATHER HAS ROCKED THIS WEEK. DO YOU GET 80 DEGREE WEATHER IN THE BEGINNING OF FEBRUARY?

:)
Well ... to follow the slew of entries after Muir Semi ... I must say that I had a blast. College dances seriously r0x0r the b0x0rs of high school dances ... oodles of fun tonight! I think it was one of the few times where I felt totally unconscious of myself. I could have cared less if people thought that I was freak. *shrugs* Hehe .. i seriously feed off the energy of other people. :)

SO. For me. I can't really place a finger on why I felt totally comfortable in my skin or carefree tonight ... it was AWESOME bumping with the Harvest folk, frosh to seniors. It was weird though. College dances where you go in a group inevitably result in the awkward moment when the slow dances pop on. I think last year was a bit awkward for me ... pretending not wanting to out there, trying to act cool about it, and then hoping that I would semi-have the guts to ask a girl to go out there w/o someone changing something in the relationship (hah .. whatever that means, is that even possible?). Anyway, this time around wasn't like that at all ... I wasn't going with any motive except to have fun with friends. The slow dance rolled around .. and I looked out and saw all these couples I knew, all with that knowing, intimate, silly smile on their faces. And for ONCE in my life, I wasn't hit with pangs of loneliness and regret ... (haha thanks God) ... I just smiled and thought, "That's really beautiful." Heh ... You know when you see a really beautiful sunset? And all you can do is just smile and acknowledge dopeness of the moment. And this was one of those times. *shrugs* One of the greatest things God created on this earth was the human relationships ... its a powerful thing. Whether with a close friend of the same sex or a significant other ... relationships affect so many things in our lives. If something isn't doing well in a relationship .. it bothers us. A lot. Makes you kind of wonder how intense a relationship with God would be right? I dunno, I think inevitably that something will disturb me from my current status of satisfaction and "still waters" .. haha, relationship issues always seem to come up every so often, heh ... enjoy the moment :). If it comes along, if SHE comes along, and something happens ... then it happens. I think I've spent too much time thinking about "potential relationships" .. like "oooh what if blah blah." Life's too short for what ifs. Life is too short for me to throw darts in this dating game. Someway, somehow ... I'm going to meet this girl (or .. realize something about a girl I know).. and God's gonna smack me upside the head several times. Hehe ... I'll be too big of freaking retard to notice though .. LOL ... I hope she hears God better than I do ...

Well .. that was my 3 AM dialoge regarding my stance on relationships right now. Perhaps things will change in the morning.A nyway, its pretty late. Probably should wrap this up before more weird pops out. (After all I'm physically exhausted and its 2:30 AM). I know tomorrow, or within this week, there should be a couple entries from other people about relationships or lack of a relationship from Muir Semi. Tonight probably. Its weird how despite how much FUN people have .. it inevitably rolls back to a relationship. Or lack thereof. Which it did for me tonight.

It was a BLAST nonethless.