Its amazing how you can find encouragement simply by finding friends who echo your wants and desires .. your struggles and fears.
i just had a huge debate with emily and dave (and caleb, sorta) about abortion. roudn and round circles cyclic circles, until we finally agreed that we all believed abortion to be morally wrong but unwise to think it could ever be wiped out from our society. yet, if taking a life is wrong, then why do people make it relative to their situations? why does any absolute truth, like the worth of a human life, especially a human life that has no choice over it's own existence, rest in the callous hands of situation...
one cannot expect a human to decide to do the rigght thing, especially when it means that the responsibility to preserve human life means overriding your innate drive for self-preservation.
i want to be able to say that i live my life for Jesus, but i am afraid i cannot. i cannot honestly say that every moment of my life finds it's cause in the desire to follow after the one who gave his life for me. it'sjust not possible. things are always changing. in this world, nothing is ever certain. you will always have faith with some doubt, always, it's only healthy. how do men and women ever find favor with God? what does it mean that your heart is fully committed toward him, i cannot comprehend. and yet i could name a few out there who i can see living out this calling. lou engle, for one. hah, and yet maybe he thinks about this same thing as i? yet he probably doesnt, because he knows some deep truth about God, about how he chooses how he chooses, and how in the end people like me, who in our futile foolish minds, will always be eating the rotted curds and whey of baby milk that i left out on the table too long. the woman, who was praying, and saw the gold dust on her hands. how could God favor a HUMAN? how could that be possible? why is it that every time i pray for the favor of God to be with me i open my eyes and check my palms, just for second, should i find a few golden specks, but they are never there.
i don't get it. i want to get it so badly. i want to be able to understand things of the heavenly realms. i want the fire of God in my voice and the holy spirit in my touch. i want to run. i want to hide. but you say, Walk with me.
we do things like find metals, find its properties, the properties of light as a particle, color, wavelength, electrical impulses into our eyeballs, computers, screen, keyboards, voice recognition. so we can do what? plan our day and figure out this thing called life? so i can type away at 1:23am in the morning trying to figure out what it is that draws the fine line between love and hate, death and dying, friendship and liking someone, sin and sinner, money and evil. was i meant to know these things? and how could God's favor be upon me?
i want peace. that surpasses all understanding. i want to know in my heart that i am loved. i want to be able to accept that i am so weak i could never stand on my own. i want to sit a in a cell of solitary confinement and feel utterly content with it. i want to children in my arms and treat them right. i want faith. hope. love. righteousness. faithfulness. holiness. i want to be cute. in the way that doesnt involve hair, the size of your eyes, or the way you sneeze. i want freedom. i want to know Jesus Christ in his life and his suffering and his death and resurrection. i want to live. abundantly. i want the favor of God upon my life. i want God to be a fire of wall around me and the Glory within me. i want him to hem in behind and before. i want peace. that surpasses all understanding.