Monday, December 30, 2002

CD's of Desire:
Phil Joel - Bring It On (He does great pop music ... but his CD's are maddeningly short .. I can fit both of his CD's on one CD...)
Sanctus Real - Say It Loud
Rock N' Roll Worship Circus - Welcome to the Rock 'N' Roll Worship Circus
The Benjamin Gate - Contact
The Benjamin Gate - Untitled
Bleach - Again, For The First Time

CD's of Desire which I cannot get because its not in stores yet:
Switchfoot - The Beautiful Letdown
Jars Of Clay - Furthermore
So...I returned last night with four nails painted and my Super Smash Brothers Ego a bit bruised and tarnished .... grr ... I need to practice.

It was great hanging out with y'all ... you're an awesome bunch.

Sunday, December 29, 2002

Wanting a blog make-over. This layout is getting old. Any ideas?

I know! I'll invert the colors and change the font!
Most anticipated album of the year: Switchfoot's Beatiful Letdown

So this'll be a really random entry.

Third Day does really good renditions of Christmas songs. I wanna hear Christmas Switchfoot style though.

Current song in the "winamp-player-inside-benson's head": Switchfoot's "Meant to Live" (of course, Switchfoot). and Matt Redman's 'Lord Let Your Glory Fall"

There are some people whom I just cannot resist making sarcastic comments to. I just can't be serious with them ... just have to poke fun at them or be silly. Why? "Out of the abundance of the heart ...."

This has had to be one of the best breaks I've had. I've had good times. Movies, friends, music, family, God ... just all around blessed silly here. I really don't deserve this goodness. Do I ever? :) God's dopelicious!!

Hrm. Ever do something and while you're doing it, you just want to be doing something else? You're doing something you like too ...

Everything inside screams for second life....

I really miss worship. Like just me, my guitar, and God alone in a room. I didn't realize it until I was at worship practice today. I may not have the calling/anointing for a worship leader ... but that doesn't mean I can't worship God by myself.

I want/need to update my tab site. I didn't know so many people were using it. Ever since I've stopped leading worship ... I've neglected exploring how others are "singing a new song unto the Lord." Hrm.

I resolve to interact with people more on a face-to-face basis .... I've been using AIM extensively for like ... six or seven years. Wow. That's got to have had some effect on my interactions with people face to face. People skills y'all. Online you can prepare and rethink your response ... don't really have to think of your toes. Thinking about getting offline or at least chatting a lot less next quarter.

We were meant to live for so much more...

Does that statement bother you? I guess I'm speaking specifically about you/me being Christian. Y'know I've mastered the art of playing church. I can play it well. And yes, I'm bragging. Its not a good thing ... being able to "play" church. People lose passion for Christianity so fast these days ... why? I don't have passion for Christianity. I don't even have passion for Christ. What's the point? I look around me and I see a bunch of Christians trying to wade and barely treading water in this thing called life. Didn't Jesus tell us that we would have life and that abundantly? I mean ... this isn't abundant life. Me, waking up and going to school every day studying and hanging out with friends. That isn't abundant life. Doesn't that bother you?

We've lost ourselves.

I need to think of a New Year's Resolution. Or resolutions.

Jesus, what can I bring?

Friday, December 27, 2002

Man ... after reading last night's 1 AM entries ... I am so glad I don't tell everyone about this blog .... dude ... I am so weird.

Fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's meant for more than arguments and failed attempts to fly

We were meant to live for so much more.
We've lost ourselves
Somewhere we live inside.

Dreaming about providence and whether mice and men have second tries
Maybe we can live with our eyes half open maybe we're bent and broken

We were meant to live for so much more.
We've lost ourselves
Somewhere we live inside.

We want more than this world has to offer.
We want more than this world has to offer.
We want more than the wars of our fathers and everything inside screams for second life.

Get a taste of the goodness that is known as Switchfoot's four studio album, The Beautiful Letdown at
Hrm. Yeah I think after talking to Daniel ... I don't think I want a girlfriend. I want a wife.

Saaaaay what?

Yeah. I know weird how these things seem to pop up.

Note: its 1:05 AM ... I wouldn't recommend disseminating these thoughts....

Thursday, December 26, 2002

"God of redemption, break our routine
There's a new way to be human, its nothing we've ever been."

So. Lots of thinking done. Long drive (four hours ... not as long as the trip to SD .. but long enough). Been reading "Surprised by the Power of the Holy Spirit" by Jack Deere ... and if there were ever a kairos book ... this would be it. Dang man. My head is still reeling from the stuff in there. Topics of interest: relationships (EVERYTHING comes back to this), love and what role emotions play in that (whether in relating to God or other people), and Jesus.
Monday found me on my knees again
Breathing You in
To blur the lines that mark where I begin
And where You end
No use in trying to pretend
Come take me again
'Cause rumor has it I'm not who I've been

Relationships. Can't live with out them. Can't live with them. I've given up being in denial about wanting to be in relationship. Because God's put the desire in me ... its just a matter of whom I'm directing that desire towards. So yes, I'd like a girlfriend. But... Jesus roxors my boxors at the moment (that was for you k2). Haha no really ... I'll be honest, I've been interested (<- NOTICE THE PAST TENSE YOU GOSSIPER MONGERERS!!!!!) in some certain females. We'll leave it at that. But EVERY single time its come down to: is entering in this relationship going to draw me closer to God? Am I even at that point? I mean, after thinking about it .. its not even about financial stability (you're never gonna be ready if this is your criteria .. has anyone checked the economy lately?). For me at least. Its different for different people. I'm not bashing on the girls (or guys) who're looking for that ... because yeah, that's legitimate. But how many of your parents got together when one of the spouses was "financially stable." Yes, I think a husband should provide for his wife ... that's God-given mandate. But it also says that God will provide. So out with financial stability. Interference with studies? Well I sure HOPE a relationship isn't going to kill my grades. A healthy relationship shouldn't. Sure there's the pre-req of 6 months of ga-ga and go-go for each other ... which isn't bad .. but that shouldn't kill the things you're responsible for. A more suitable question is whether you can handle the relationships that you're in right now in addition to your studies and other relationships. If you can't even BARELY juggle that ... there's no way you can throw in a relationship (with a big R) into that mix. You just can't. Can you even handle your relationship with God?

And ... something that finally hit me amidst my mom asking about my "special friend" (seriously, she said that). How am I preparing to be a good father? a good husband? someone to talk to? a good boyfriend? So often i like to think, when is "my" girl coming along? I forget that she's not mine's ... she's God's. And moreoever, I have the responsibility to LOVE her like Christ loves the church. Oye now. I'm so not freaking capable for that job? Schh......NAPS man ... Knowing that... knowing that I am preparing, learning how to do that ... is scary. I almost don't WANT a girlfriend knowing that. Its a big responsibility. And not only that ... even though I'd like someone who is autotonomous ... not like clingy and dependent 24/7 ... I am no longer just responsibile for my own life. I'm responsible for hers. Yes, I can't watch her 24/7 ... but its my responsibility to watch out for her. To look out for HER interests (not my own), to make her interest mine's. (I suppose that applies to our relationship with Christ too .. oooh .. deep thought)

Furthermore ... along the lines of relationships. I'm talking about the opposite sex. I think I've mentioned this before ... but yeah. I've come to the conclusion that for myself. Muah. Me. That I need to watch out for the relationships I have with certain ladies. Notice I said certain. For the most part, I have some great friends that happen to girls. Can talk to them about anything, can just have a jolly good ol' time. And there's the ones with that WEIRD, FUNKY, spark in ADDITIION to the good friends. I'm talking about the a-word ... attraction. Whoa now .. that definitely messes up the dynamics of a relationship (Ya think? Why do you think that guys are so preturbed by gays? Because the one place they don' have to worry about that funky attraction has been invaded! That's why!)

Anyway. My point. Shoot. What was my point. Oh yes. Although its awesome that I have sisters that oh-so-rock, I am lacking in the brothers that oh so rock. I dunno what's with guys and intimacy .. but we suck at it! I suppose there's an aspect of homophobia to it ... (ahh two close guys!) but even so .. what the heck? I love how in the Lord of the Rings ... Samwise and Frodo are tight like this: |. And Legolas and Gimli become that way too. Man ... companionship and friendship like that ROCKS. Jonathan and David in the Bible. Not just that though .. like just having male friends to lean on and to bounce ideas off of. Yeah, you need the female perspective every so often ... its refreshing and its awesome. But when you get married, are you going to be really be able to say "Honey, I'm gonna go talk hang out with [insert female name here]." You so aren't! And even if you could .. you're ASKING for infedility to visit your door. You won't be able to have good-female friends for the rest of your life. AFter the rash of sexual immorality with the tv preachers and stuff, Billy Graham and his staff made a rule that you can't be in a room aone with any woman other than your wife. Wow. Sounds extreme? Can't play with fire. But yeah, you can't just ask your wife to do that. And once people start dating, your weekly get togethers with some of your opposite sex friends isn't going to work anymore. When it comes down to it ... you just have your bros.

Don't get me wrong, I treasure the relationships with opposite sex, I think that's the awesome part of college ... I think "iron sharpening iron" is very applicable to a lot of those relationships. But that's what it comes down to.

I'd like a girlfriend however. (Bring the topic back) The desires are there. There are attractions. But given the circumstances in my life .. I think those desires and attractions would be most suitably and ideally fit with Christ. Sounds weird doesn't it? Love relationship with Christ ... but yeah. As much as I'd like a girlfriend. I think i can say right now that I'd like Jesus a whole lot more. I don't think I could have said that for certain a couple weeks ago ... but at this point .. yeah I can say that. I think hopefully, it stays that way.

Man that didn't have the ooomph I thought it would. Seemed a lot grander in my mind. *shrugs* "tis a brainfart in deed :)
Song from the slopes: "Stanley Climbfall"; Lifehouse

Dude....I am sooooo sore. Hehe ... SKIING ROCKS!! Like dude! Man! Sweet! Ahahahaha! Yeah skiing's pretty dope. *grins* So yeah. I was born in Canada and I've never been skiing or snowboarding. However, went on a tiny family trip yesterday and today and I can say that I've skiied! Wahoo! And boy is it fun! Haha ... beginner skier blowing by all the snowboarding rookies :) *evil grin* Yeah I think skiing is more interesting than snowboarding. Although that's only up until a certain point. It was pretty funny (in retrospect) ... I've never gone skiing before .. so we took the ski lessons. Right afterwards we went on the slopes. It was steep like all the down .. so I was bailing like all the way down (a lot of the times it was preemptive bailing .. like I felt like I was going to fal .. so I fell ... the times I REALLY had to fall? Ouch.). But yeah, needless to say I wasn't particularly happy or dry when I went to eat lunch. Haha .. it didn't help that my siblings were doing better than I was!! *grumble* In any case, came back, tackled the beast of the mountain and again and voila! going down @ high speeds and carving out the beeeeautiful S's ... loving it. The funny part? We apparently started out on the hardest mountain ... not exactly black diamond .. but pretty nuts for beginner. THere were two other lifts for easier slopes. Whoops :)

Man ... my butt is SORE like you wouldn't believe. Hrm. Like my hips, my calves, my quads, my groin, my wrists, my forearms ... yeah and pretty much EVERYTHING else. Ehehe ... its alllll good though because I had a blast. *satisfied grin*

But. Before I go on, just wanted to praise God for the awesome trip. Why? Because, usually our family is pretty miserable on family trips. My dad gets stressed and short fuses ... resulting in everybody just being in a sucky mood. Of course, everybody's in a pretty sucky mood in anticipation of my dad's mood ... so that doesn't help either. I remember moving down to SD freshman year ... aww man I didn't want the rest of my family to go because a) less room in the car b) less room for my STUFF (selfish .. so sue me) c) and everyone's just gonna be in a groucho mood. It didn't help that I kept on expecting it and responding likewise ... self fulfilling prophecy it was.

So. When I heard that our family (a la, Dad says "We're going on a family trip") was going on some sort of trip during break. You can guess I wasn't exactly ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT IT. Hehe .. sorry (yelling a bit much too here). But I dunno, it seems that a lot has changed in the past couple of days ... having a passion for Christ seems to give you a new lease on loving others. I was determined not to contribute to the problem this time around. And as we have returned, I can say that for the most part, I kept to that. Yes, I was a prick some of the time . .. I still have a ways to go ... but it was sweet! We had fun as a family. And yeah, it feels awkward (I mean, if you spent most of your life not looking forward to family get togethers because of the poor atmosphere ... its werid) .. but its fantasmic! Thanks God ... this was a great Christmas.

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

"Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." Habbukkuk 1:5

Sometimes I wonder if people think I'm some pretentious/portentious with all this talk of God. But then again, God's the one who's placed this desire and fire in my heart ... He's doing the heavy lifting.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

Wow. Must be a worldwide phenomenon among all sophomore males returning from college.

"So do you have a girlfriend yet?" - Mom (or various other parentals)

Wait, so after one year (we were freshman last year mind you) ... it goes from "Do you have a girlfriend" to "do you have a girlfriend yet." Okay, maybe I'm overreacting ... but exactly what magical thing is supposed to happen this past year? Because it was some special pixie dust from cupid, I totally forgot. This should be included in freshman orientation.

Man, get with the program Benson. Get your pixie dust.


A little reading for y'all Why College Men Aren't Ready To Marry?. If you're a guy ... this is good food for thought. You don't have to agree with it .. but you should be thinking about it. If you're a girl? Uhm. Yeah.

UPDATE: In the Meantime...
Highlights from

benson is johnny
benson is a pretty cool cat
benson is looking for her (<-- yes)
benson is in need of a loving home in calif (<-- no i think i'm ok)
benson is now the new lead singer for legendary christian (<-- i am? legendary too huh? *wide grin*)
benson is a hottie (<-- HECK YA BABY YOU LIKE THAT)
benson is back (<-- baby got back!! *dances)
benson is about 16 years old but sometimes he acts much younger (<-- what? they don't know what they're talking about)
benson is tara amber benson is tara amber benson is tara amber benson is tara amber benson is tara amber benson is tara amber benson is tara (<-- err...somehow i just KNOW this is a porn site ... and yes i know because yeah. >_<)
benson is the person who can best lead new hampshire out of the political doldrums in which it has been becalmed for the past four years (<-- oh yeah? does this mean i live there)
benson is the "home of kartchner caverns state park" and the gateway to historical hwy 80 (<-- yeah.)
benson is nestled in the spectacular san pedro valley and is surrounded by mountains (<-- OH YEAH. I'M NESTLED BABY. SURROUNDED BY MOUNTAINS. dang i'm weird)
benson is vexed (<-- If we're talking about the fact that I'm hot, then yes I'm vexed)
benson is indeed allowed to rise through the occupational ladder (<-- Yeah that would be nice when I get a job)
benson is crazy (<-- Oooohhh .. veddy true given my oh-so-normal-and-sane commentary)
benson is a banjo (<-- what? how can i be a hottie and a banjo?)
benson is counting on a couple of factors to work in her favor (<-- OOOH. I'm a her now too?)
benson is well aware of (<-- Yeah! Well aware that googlismcom is a MORON).
benson is approximately 3 (<-- I have no comment)
benson is the original master (<-- YEa yea ... represent)
benson is available by phone john benson is available for telephone conferences at $150 per hour (<-- Haha .. yeah pay me the bling to talk to meeeeeee.)
benson is being viciously attacked by his opponents (<-- *runs for cover)
benson is a closet neo (<-- STELLA!! I'M A CLOSET NEO!!)
benson is blessed with a temperate climate characterized by warm summers and mild (<-- winters. yeah i know. don't mess with this temper)
benson is an automated messaging and monitoring system designed to ease the life of a network (<-- talk to me people talk to me)
benson is (<-- ah ... man googlism is deep)
benson is home again
benson is now the new lead singer for legendary christian metal band tempest (<--ooooh .. the full search result. tempest? what's that? legendary?? what??)
benson is the best (<-- *grins*)
benson is a much more insidiously dispassionate evildoer (<-- bwahahahaha)
benson is ready to fall into the role of a student (<-- wait what? i'm not studying enough?)
benson is the sole owner of the information collected on this site (<-- haha ... this was a good way to close it off)

muchos props goes to K2 who had this on his xanga originally.

haha ... elves rock. That's all I got to say. And everyone who thinks Aragorn is cooler than Legolas. Go watch Two Towers and then tell me otherwise. Is not Legolas THE man? Yeah, that's what I thought.
It's vital - I dont know how to say this strongly enough - VITAL - that we dont camp at one area in the cycle. When I say "I am going to accept rejection and suffering as my lot" we have missed the point! There will be periods of this - but it's not the whole story! Don’t camp there! Accept it as part of the cycle, and know that, if we respond rightly, we will move through it into a place of favor. When we are in the place of favour we dont need to view everyone and everything with suspicion - favour is part of the plan of God!! When we are walking in it we have the privelige of embracing it - just as we do (less willingly!) the suffering and rejection when it comes. When we walk in fruitfulness we dont become lifted up by our own sucess but aware that it is part of the cycle we are in. And if we are faithful that cycle will end in hiddenness in God

With the holiday season upon us we should all have time to assess where we are in God. What season are you in?

In 1997, when I was in the depth of despair about just about everything, the Lord opened up an understanding of the Scruipure concerning the prophetic in a totally new way. He said "prepare this now - you won't have time later" Well - I didnt do nearly enough! And I dont have time now! If this is what you are hearing get busy and prepare! There is a time of fruitfulness ahead of you which will be so hectic that you wont have time to prepare anything when you get there.

-Alison Papenfus
Well, just checked the grades. Well not "just" checked the grades. More like four hours ago. I've successful dorked around flushed down those hours into the abyss known as "the past." In any case, my grades wee not of say ... armageddon quality ... then again, they really weren't rapture quality either. Just straight in the middle. I got my B in ECE though. That was God's grace. Math. Boo. Physics. More Boo. Grades should be proportional to the amount of effort you invest in them. That way stupidheads cannot slack all quarter and pull off A's by nailing the final. School rarely rewards those who work hard.

There's still next quarter. And the quarter after that.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

I didn't realize I would missed Bud Geracie's humor "In the Wake of the Week" and the in-depth coverage of Bay Area Sports in the SJ Mercury. 'Tis good to be back. I'm freaking freezing here though y'all .. somebody get me a heater body suit or something. Brrrr ...

Tuesday, December 17, 2002


I recently had the privilege of traveling to the small Massachusetts town where the famous 19th-century American evangelist D.L. Moody was born, as well as buried. Standing there by his grave, I realized that here was a man greatly used of God around the world and yet was uneducated and with speaking disabilities. Where did this former shoe salesman, who became one of the most spiritually powerful men on the planet, gain this depth of life and purpose? The secret might be revealed in a statement he would often make, ��The world has yet to see what God can do through a man who is totally yielded to Him. I want to be that man.�� Moody sought the source of real power. Do you?

Monday, December 16, 2002

I once heard a brother preach on the fact that the church should be without spot or wrinkle. To get the wrinkles out of a sack, he said, you fill it. To get a wrinkle out of a rug, you lay it down and walk on it. God sometimes fills us, the preacher continued, but sometimes He just puts us flat down so that everyone can walk on us!
Thoughts from Lou Engle, co-founder and visionary for The Call:

- spiritual promotion will be tested by how you respond to spiritual betrayal of friends; submit to your spiritual authority
- don't curse Babylon (your schools, your work, your mission field), pray for it.
- God's not calling us to a separate subculture, He's calling us to be relevant and holy
- If you trace California's roots, we have a apostolic heritage ... the exportation of the gospel to the nations.
- God marked San Francisco to be a counter-cultural city. St. Francis was the first counter culturalist!
- Dreams are invitations for intercession.
- For every Daniel, there will be a den.
- This is a new perspective .. instead of looking at the problematic (our culture), we are looking at the prophetic.
- This isn't about a conference or about yourselves, its like John the Baptist .. its about your Calling, your royal priesthood.
- God is the greatest script writer ever. He will NOT write a losing script.
- Prayer vs. Intercession; Intercession belongs to those who are willing to lay themselves down so they can be a highway for God to cross.
- The truth you hear, the prophetic, all those things. You are accountable for those thigs.
- Don't be a cynic rather than a prophet.
- Do not MISS the day of visitation!!
SOURCE LINKAGE: The Call California

"I will once more shake the heavens and the earth ... and fill this house with my glory," says the Lord.

Over 500,000 measurable tremors shake California every year.

Wave after wave of revivla has rolled across California, birthing new church movements that spread across the earth.

In 1906, God shook a small prayer meeting in Los Angeles. THis was the start of the Azusa Street Revival. It become the fastest growing spiritual movement ever witnessed. Now, less than a hundred yeas later, over 520 million people can trace their spiritual heritage bak to that humble beginning in California.

1920s: Miraculous healings and ministry to the poor result in tens of thousands saved. Aimee Semple McPherson founds the Foursquare Church.

1946-47: After intense fasting and prayer in San Diego, healing and evanglism revivals break out. Billy Graham and Bill Bright are launched into ministry out of the Hollywood Revival.

1965: Thousands are saved and mass baptisms take plae in the ocean during the Jesus Movement. Chuck Smith starts Calvary Chapel.

1977: John Wimber starts the Vineyard churches, bringing a wave of healing, refreshing and worship to the Body of Christ around the world.

California is the birthplace of breakthrough technologies and global cultural trends, the land of opportunity, where hype and hope live side by side. She has seen more revivals than anywhere else in America in the 20th century.

We have tragically abused our God-given ifluence. Three-quarters of the pornographic movies produced every year are made in the L.A. area. We have opened the gates of hell, unleashing a worldwide flood of defilement unequalled in history.

Only the fire of Pentecost can displace the fire of pornography in the hearts of a nation.

Another sexual revolution must start once again on the campuses of California. Not the Summer of Love's free sex, but a revolution crying "Holiness to the Lord."

It's time for a massive student prayer movement to ignite in our universities and break the stronghold of darkness over California.

Lust and greed go hand in hand. The billion dollar porn industry, corporate scandals and the exploitation of our migrant workers, are all driven by the love of moeny.

The Church must first repent for our own lust and greed bfore we can call the world to change. Before the Golden State sees the windows of heaven open, the church ust first clean the widows of her soul. "If your eye is dark, how great is the darkness."

- 37% of pastors say online porn is a current struggle for them (Christianity Todya, Leadership Surveys, 2001)
- Hollywood makes about 400 films a year. By contrast, the LA porn industry produces 9000 to 11,000 movies a year.
- 720 million porno movies were watched in America alone last year.

"Oh Lord please light the fire, that once burned bright and clear. Replace the lamp of my first love, that burns with holy fear." Keith Green

Though the darkness may seem overwhelming, there is still hope! Less than a generation ago, in the decandence and drug culture of the 70's, the Jesus Movement washed over California. Bars became churches and drug addicts became clean. Jesus seemed to be the topic of conversation of the streets.

When revival comes, whole cities and regions are swept into the Kingdom. The result is a seismic shift in society.

It happened before. It can happen again.

The outpouring of the Holy Spirit will not come through token prayers, but by wrestling in fasting and prayer gainst sin, apathy, and self-indulgence. At critical moments in Biblical history, united gatherings of fasting and prayer changed the course of the nation.

The hour is later than we realize and if California is to be turned, we must give our selves unreservedly to cry out for her.

We have taught America's children to feast and play. The times demand that they fast and pray. Before a great awakening must come a rude awakening.

The Call California is an urgent summons to humbly pray and fast and cry out to God in the two largest cities in Califronia. Its not by chance that television and the internet--the two most powerful comunications media--were both birthed in these cities, a sign of their God-given mandate to proclam the gospel to the nations. From San Diego to Shasta, the call to pray for California must be heard!

The Call California, Los Angeles
The Ross Bowl, February 22, 2003
Angels are messengers and th calling of the City of Angels is to be a global messenger. As we cry out to God for the entertainment industry, we believe that Hollywood can becoe "Holywood". Like the woman at the well, Hollywood can become a great evangelist to the nations despite her previous impurity. The Los Angeles event will launch forty days of intense prayer and fasting across the state, culminating in The Call California, San Francisco.

The Call California, San Francisco
3 Com, Candlestick Park, April 5, 2003
Unlike Los Angeles, San Francisco has never seen full-blown revival. The same week Los Angeles was shaken by the Azusa St. revival, she was devasted by the great quake of 1906. God's purposes for this great city will be realized by the generation willing to stand in the gap with fasting and prayer, as North and South contend together for our state to see revival once again.

Sunday, December 15, 2002

:: Something I realized today when I was helping my mom with the dishes:

Things like break are that much more enjoyable if you're giving your 100% during times when you need to be studying. If you spend your time at school just slacking ... break isn't going to be that much of a change. But I guess I've been working hard ... because break has never been so good. Hehe, other days I would be annoyed at myself for chatting all day .. but its been good catching up with people on IM and what not. *grins*

Something else: these times are gifts from God. Don't resent them (if you're on vacation away from friends) .. don't abuse them (get some SLEEP people) and don't waste them (get away from the computer ... people people people!) and don't waste precious God time. During the quarter its so hard just to chill with God ... I gotta take advantage of these three weeks. *smiles some more*

Thanks God. This is dope.

:: On an extended note...current roster of soph Harvesters with Xangas/blogs (mostly with Xangas): Chris, Ed, Justin, K2, Lee, Stella, Sabrina, and I. That is a lot. Anyway, since everyone is on everybody's list ... we will probably hear all the unsavory and savory things about each other's lives. Just...if you have issues with anyone ... don't just blog it. Its one thing to vent frustration ... but if you don't resolve it .. you were better off keeping the venting to yourself.

:: I am so excited about Lord Of the Things: Two Towers. You don't even know. *spazzes from excitement*
I am home! And wow ... it is great to be home. So I stayed up 'til like 5 AM watching Leon The Professional. Ended up falling asleep like three-fourths of the way through the film. Hehe ... gotta love break! Woke up at 2 PM too. And better yet, it was pouring rain and windy. Man, this is great weather to start the break. (I love the rain btw). Been getting lots of me-time today. Hopefully will be heading out this week.

*satisfied sigh* Break is good.

Saturday, December 14, 2002

Woo some more ... just re-read that previous entry. Can we say rambling? Anyway I apologize. Will do better next time.

Friday, December 13, 2002

Woo. Just ATE that final. Walked in, looked at the test. And walked out So much for that.

Somewhat disappointed in myself. I can never finish. Always the halff-ass job that leaves the strings untied at the end. >_< Not so happy.

In any case, finals are over. Been thinking a lot (seems to be finals thing). Given the time moves @ 1/2 speed during finals week and you're studying 24/7 .. thinking is almost a given. So I've been thinking a lot. I'm no longer coherent though.

So, I was at CLICS the day before yesterday. I see the most gorgeous girl. Like seriously, double, triple-take kind. She was sitting there studying. Looked REALLY REALLY familiar. Then I realized she was a girl that I knew of in high school. I still remember when I first saw her in high school as a young, impressionable freshman. Just kind of stood there and semi-drooled. Yup. That kind of a girl. Haha ... she looks just as, if not even better. It was weird though, it wasn't the animalistic kinda of "oh my gosh she's so hot i want her." (That's no good at all). It was the kind where you just stop and pause and think, "Wow." And that's all that comes out. Y'know it wasn't even like she has a great body. It was her face. Something about her face. Saw her yesterday @ CLICS yesterday too. And then I walk into my final today and she walks in. (Stop stalking me lady!! No just kidding... no really.) I didn't know she was in my class. Hm.
We were fourteen and sitting in a movie
We were almost holding hands
My thumb would venture over for a second or two
Enough for her to understand
I finally got up the nerve
Figured "What did I have to lose?"
It felt good being together
But after the snow, I was walking her home
And I realized I didn't even like her

Its a lonely world
And everybody's grabbing what you can get
And love is wonderful, you've heard
You don't know if you've seen it yet
You can't miss it when it comes
Don't settle for less than love

I was nineteen and hanging out at Denny's
That was where we always went
And this girl I'd seen a couple of times before
It was no accident our eyes met
I went over, said hello, asked her name
And then we talked about our hometowns
She said she'd met her boyfriend there
My buddy asked if I got her number as I sat back down

Its a lonely world
And everybody's grabbing what you can get
And love is wonderful, you've heard
You don't know if you've seen it yet
You can't miss it when it comes
Don't settle for less than love

Almost every girl I've ever kissed has married
That's not a lot of weddings
But it's sure a crazy thought
And though they all seem now like someone else's story
I wonder what we paid for what we got

- "Less Than Love"; The Normals

Beneath the pretty face is a person, a person with feelings, emotions, desires, and hurts. I guess its easier to think something's beautiful when you're only looking at the surface...

... It was one good looking surface though.

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

"I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you..."

- Take Me Away; Lifehouse

I am loving this song. Praise God for a productive night at CLICS. Thank God for the gracious allottment of time I have to study for this final. Thank God for the companionship of friends to study with. Thank God for the comprehension of difficult material. Thank God that my parents have released me from needing to get an A in this class. Thank God that I'm not stressing about performance, but more about effort. Thank God that even though its 3:30 AM in the morning, I'm content. Thank God for all the people I saw tonight, the smiles on their faces, despite the frustration. Thanks God for blessing me through those people. Thanks God for loving me ... and taking me away to that place where there is grace, peace, and joy. And thanks God for just a good finals week. Not because I've done well (because I haven't), but You've walked with me every step of the way.

God, I ask you would be with those who are studying hard. To even be with those who aren't :). God, You love your children so much. You want the best for us. May we see the beauty in studying, in the mundane. May we find you in the things that seem like drudgery, that seem like routine or difficult. For you are not just the God of miracles and of supernatural phenomena, but you are a God of a good talk, of studying, of eating, of doing chores. You are a God of everything. God, would you invade our lives .. invade our space. May we seek Your kingdom on this earth. God I ask for your Holy Spirit to fill us up to the measure of Christ. I don't even know what that means, Father. I'm just repeating the blessing that Paul wrote. God, saturate our lives....

You said its all or nothing,
I'm saying, "'Jesus, have it all'
Be the King, of this heart again
Be the King of this life...

- King Of This Heart; Matt Redman

Sunday, December 08, 2002

Well finals week is rolling around; and to be honest, I'm not exactly a stressball. Which is a good thing. But its a bad thing because I'm not one bit worried about my finals. Hrm. Bad sign.

Anyway, I was hoping to blog a bit and lay down some deep thoughts and rumblings and grumblings. So much for that. Almost like opening your mouth to say something really witty or profound and the only thing that comes out is the most boring thing in the world. Come to think of it, I've been doing that quite often as of late. Yeah, so hopefully after finals I will be able to be witty and profound again. Wait, I mean, I will gain the ability to be witty or profound. I never had the ability before. >_<

G'luck on all your finals people, don't hurt yourselves :) And remember, don't stress ... just take it an hour of studying @ a time. Don't study in large groups @ CLICS, find a little hole next to somebody else's hole and get some stuff done.

Saturday, December 07, 2002

Job 40
1 The LORD said to Job:

2 "Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!"

3 Then Job answered the LORD :

4 "I am unworthy-how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
5 I spoke once, but I have no answer-
twice, but I will say no more."

6 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:

7 "Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

8 "Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
9 Do you have an arm like God's,
and can your voice thunder like his?
10 Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
11 Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at every proud man and bring him low,
12 look at every proud man and humble him,
crush the wicked where they stand.
13 Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Uhh ... yeah. I'll take a one day raincheck on that substance and original post thing.

Monday, December 02, 2002

More substantive (and original) posts later :)
Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful;
nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of
righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
--Hebrews 12:11

If God has singled you out to be a special object of His grace you
may expect Him to honor you with stricter discipline and greater
suffering than less favored ones are called upon to endure....

If God sets out to make you an unusual Christian He is not likely
to be as gentle as He is usually pictured by the popular teachers.
A sculptor does not use a manicure set to reduce the rude,
unshapely marble to a thing of beauty. The saw, the hammer and the
chisel are cruel tools, but without them the rough stone must
remain forever formless and unbeautiful.

To do His supreme work of grace within you He will take from your
heart everything you love most. Everything you trust in will go
from you. Piles of ashes will lie where your most precious
treasures used to be. That Incredible Christian, 122-124.

"Lord, give me the grace to withstand 'the saw, the hammer and the
chisel.' I want the finished product; I often chafe under the
process. I submit myself today to Your working. Amen."
How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide
Your face from me?
--Psalm 13:1

Some of you know something of that which has been called "the dark
night of the soul." Some of you have spiritual desire and deep
longing for victory but it seems to you that your efforts to go on
with God have only brought you more bumps and more testings and more
discouragement. You are tempted to ask, "How long can this go on?"...

Yes, there is a dark night of the soul. There are few Christians
willing to go into this dark night and that is why there are so few
who enter into the light. It is impossible for them ever to know the
morning because they will not endure the night. I Talk Back to the
Devil, 80-81.

"Lord, You know the dark night that I endured for a number of years--
and I know I'm not alone. I pray for any who are suffering today and
struggling. Bring Your deep-seated peace and the assurance that the
morning is coming. Thank You that Your grace is sufficient. Amen."