Thursday, October 31, 2002

Avenging Monsters



BreakPoint with Charles Colson

October 31, 2002


The Origins of Horror Fiction



Nobody who watched the film Alien will ever forget the scene that takes place when the astronauts are having dinner: A lizard-like creature comes bursting through a crewman�s torso and scurries away. Talk about heartburn!
It�s one of the scariest films ever made. But the story behind the horror genre is even scarier.

In his newly re-issued book Horror: A Biography, professor E. Michael Jones advances a fascinating thesis. Horror fiction, he argues, grew out of the sexual decadence of the Enlightenment.

Few people embraced the sexual decadence more eagerly than the English poet Percy Shelley. Shelley�s first wife killed herself after he abandoned her to live with Mary Godwin. Shelley then victimized his new wife, Mary, even encouraging her to sleep with his friends.

As tragedy followed tragedy, a remorseful Mary became disillusioned with radical ideals. But she could not relieve her conscience, Jones writes, because she didn�t understand repentance. "Literary catharsis seemed the only way" to purge her soul.

So Mary began writing Frankenstein. According to Jones, Mary�s experience explains the genesis of horror films. We recognize, as she did, that the moral order is true, but if we suppress that, it comes back in our imagination as an avenging monster.

This was evident in the story of Frankenstein. Dr. Frankenstein wants to play God, to create life on his own terms�just as Percy Shelley had created an Enlightenment sexual ethic. But instead of designing a superb new species, Frankenstein gives life to a murderous monster.

The avenging monster from the id, as Jones calls it, took new form during the second phase of the Enlightenment�a time when syphilis had contaminated European blood. Tragically, adulterous husbands often infected their innocent wives. Dracula�a novel about a vampire who infects the blood of innocent girls�symbolizes this deadly plague. Dracula�s author, Bram Stoker, had syphilis himself.

As with Frankenstein, the true story of horror in the author�s life�that is, sexuality divorced from the moral law�"is repressed and replaced by a monster who points to the [truth]."

A century later, another vengeful monster emerged in the wake of the modern sexual revolution: that is, the creature in the 1979 film Alien. The man chosen to create the monster, H. R. Giger, claims he never procured an abortion for his mistress. And yet, Jones notes, "his art is full of images of abortion and dead babies." In any event, Jones writes, Giger�s thwarting of child-bearing, through either contraception or abortion, "is so morally significant that it embeds itself onto his consciousness."

And Giger�s conscience sought relief by creating a fetus-monster for Alien. At the film�s end, a female astronaut kills the monster in a manner that strikingly resembles a suction abortion.

The warning of these films is that "sex disconnected from the moral order is horrifying," Jones writes.

This Halloween, when your kids want to rent a horror film, don�t let them. Instead, sit down with them�and with the neighbor�s kids, as well�and explain where horror films really come from and why they are perverse. It�s a great way to expose the cultural lies that are at the root of our society�s celebration of horror.

Whoever thought of the term blogging was a freaking genius.

Who-ah ... its only Thursday. ONLY. This been crawling along like a finals week, leaving me to savor and enjoy every last minute of wasted time and gut-wrenching anticipation of the next midterm raping. Just beautiful.

I came pretty close to hitting rock bottom last night ... the nonstop studying deal is a pretty draining thing. Muirons got out around 10 ... I went to a friend's place to learn some ECE .. stayed 'til 11 ... then got home around 11:30. Somewhere between then and 3 AM I realized that I can't do ECE because I don't understand what op-amps do, and I went to sleep. I should have just crashed at 11 and woken up early today to hit the gym. I ended up getting about six hours last night .. which wasn't bad at all. Couldn't get to the gym though ... again. I have time to do that today too. Anyway, there's one midterm left: ECE. I'm determined to dominate that stupid test tomorrow ... but i'm not sure if it'll work out. I more or less have had zero, zilch social contact this week. Which given my previous state of social affairs, isn't much of a drop at all. I dunno, when I'm focused on studying ... people get annoying. I definitely need to work on at least being sociable when I'm in these zones ... not necessarily social mind you .. but at least not ready to bite off the head every person who talks to me.

Haven't had a solid session of devos all week ... and yeah, Imiss God. I'm in CV right now ... blogging and devo-ing away. I'm pretty decent emotionally, despite all that has been going on. The slight relationshiop obsession in my head a week ago is gone ... which is always good. I just want to be satisfied in God ... I want the real thing, none of this nutrasweet ... I want the sweetness. :)

Last night's small group was truly a godsend. I had just come out of my math midterm (which, by the way, went okay ... but a) its over with and b) God's good, all the time), and I was just weedle leedle bitty tired. More or less brain dead, yah? This was the first week we divided into guy and girl small groups ... so we just kind of just did introductions and stuff. Matt asked me to go first on the personal background and introductions ... I was just kind of surprised and babbled a bit. My testimony, or spiritual background, has never seemed so weaksauce. God was so much bigger than my sorry testimony of his sovereignty in my life, thankfully. Matt went next ... and really set a new threshold in terms of intimacy and sharing. All the guys in my group are awesome ... definitely cooler than I am. Praise God ... they're all pretty hungry for more of Him ... which is really sweet indeed.

Yeah, just praise God for the ways He's been teaching me .. even though I haven't been actively in the Word. Its been my prayer the past couple of days just to draw near to God. And that doesn't excuse me from not getting in the word and spending quality time with Him ... but its been encouraging and edifying to see what God's speaking to me.

Yeah ... I guess as of late I've just been envious of other's gifts. When I was younger, in junior high, high school ... I always assumed the mantle of leadership ... and I've always been in situations where my abilities have been emphasized. But since coming to college, its been humbling to know that I'm not all that :) (freaking heck ya!), and to see others operating in their God-given gifts and talents. Like Kevin Baba as a spiritual leader, his ability to speak, touch the heart of God, and his example. Mikey with his heart for worship ... an authentic, deep, and tried-true love of God always reflects outworldly, when he leads worship ... you can feel the authenticity, you can feel the worship as a true overflow of the heart. Jae for his deep thoughts (see his journal). All these things started out as admiration .. but as of late ... have moved into a subtle envy. Even my co-leader Matt, who is definitely gifted with the ability to connect with others, to ask the right questions, to just be chill. And i dunno, being envious sucks especially if you realize that you haven't realized your potential ... or simiply because you realize that that other person is just plain better at _____ than you are.

Everybody body part of Christ has a unique gift. They've been called by God to a distinct function ... some people have been blessed with more abilities than others ... or more prominent position than others. Those who's gifts who aren't as aren't obvious or seem as big, they're no less important. Its to those people that God has granted the greatest gifts too ... and they deserve attention.

So I know that cerebrally, I know that in my head. God's placed a calling in my life... and admist the frustration of all the "lack-ofs" in my life .. there is a promise that is being birthed. That I need to trust that the path I'm walking on is the path that God wants me. That ultimately, my gifts, my talents, my calling is irrelevant if my life is not God-centric. Ultimately, we are called to seek the Giver, not the gifts.

One thing I learned last night ... if you follow God ... he will light the path before your feet ... and show you the direction that you are heading. If you look towards Him, through Him you will see everything else. In him, that's where you will find clarity, peace, and consummate fulfillment. It is when you turn around and look at your shadow, when you take your eyes of Jesus, and focus on the darkness in your life. It is then you fall ... it is one thing to recognize your weaknesses and shortcomings. It is completely another to dwell on your "inner darkness," your shadow. "God is light ... and in Him there is no darkness." So yeah, I've been learning to set my eyes on Zion... we will see where it takes me.

Great moment: And just like the air compressor going *pop* ... sometimes just thinking about the things of God just grows bigger and bigger .. and soon your mind just can't completely get a hold around these things and *pop*. it's just too big for my finite mind to comprehend, to wide to fathom. Never, ever, lose the wonder of God. I bless you to never cease to be floored by the awesomeness, the wholeness, the sweetness that is our great God. That's all I can say right now....

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Ah...1:27 AM. Its my sweet spot. Moments after walking home after a 6 hour marathon at CLICS. Gotta love it. Right?

*sigh* I really got to stop asking God to hook it up and then totally WASTING the opportunity when it comes along. So I had this awesome opporunity to get a good start on studying and all the junk that needs to be done this week ... and I totally wasted it. So now I have spend every waking moment studying ... and hopefully I'll break even. The depressing thing is that even with all this studying, I'm not even sure if I'm going to get the A. Even worse is that I need to do it anyway because if I didn't ... I would never know if I could have gotten the A.

Anyway, I don't want to complain about school. Its there, its happening, there's no changing it. Finished.

...

What I DO want to complain about is why this takes so freaking long!! Okay okay .. I'm just gonna end up complaining ... this entry is over.

Gosh, I do miss hanging out with people. God I'm trusting I'm not missing out on what you want for me here ....

Sunday, October 27, 2002

Dang. Its been a been long, but good, day. its not done though, I have a meeting at 10 PM. So I really should get cracking on my studying for Math and ECE ... but I feel like blogging. A friend of mine wrote on her blogger that she just wants to write. And yeah, I feel a need/urge to write ... but all these thoughts in my head right now aren't exactly cohesive.

Hrm. Tonight's Sophomore Fellowship was good ... Kevin was leading us in discussion of "Desiring God." Only a couple of people talked, somewhat predictable as to who those people were =P. I really hope that the people who usually don't talk do speak up this year ... everyone playing their predictable roles seems too drab. Even myself, I find myself sitting and thinking much more than I used to. Last year or in high school, I know I would have jumped right in with my opinion on the subject. I suppose that's because I had the head knowledge to dominate those discussions. In terms of idealism and what "should" be done, I guess I can do those "easily." But discussions now are more questions about "why" instead of "what." Cerebral and intellectual knowledge is useful, but you have to think it through. The couple times I spoke up tonight I felt like I put my foot in mouth. I really need to think before I speak. The funny is thing is that I ended up thinking for the rest of the night and I ended up not saying a thing. *shrugs*

I guess the main thing that hit me tonight was on the question of how and why. How do I become a better worship leader, how do I become a better small group leader, how can I learn how to be a prayer warrior ... and why do I want those things. I think Kevin really cut to the chase with the concept of "drawing near to God, and he will draw near to you." :Last year was really just finding my way to God again in a new environment. This year, I guess I've been trying to do things FOR God ... and I've been asking Him, "God, how can I study the Bible better?" 'God, how can I be a better small group leader?" "God how can I take worship to a new dimension?" Many how's ... many how's. I still think I need to meditate on this a bit more and realize the ramifications ... but all I really need is to draw near to God. To present myself to God as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to Him. To say, God I'm here ... I'm willing to sit here and chill or do whatever You want. I dunno. It me as a integral and simple truth. How it is going to translate into my life .. I don't know. All the trivial things that I stress about, whether it be relationships, crusade, academics, or whatnot ... they're all secondary pleasures. Wow. My primary pleasure is God, to know Him more, to enjoy Him, to serve Him, just to draw NEAR to Him.

I'm busting here. I just need to think. I resolve to go to the Cliffs more. Or just wander around Warren. Sitting outside of CV is good too ... getting a view of the lush landscape that is the canyon. ;)

Saturday, October 26, 2002

Alright well, got the blogger archives up. Had to move to blog spot though. Boo.
Haha .. so apparently I've wasted a good impression of me being a good writer. As usual, I always find ways to botch things up ;) What can I say, I have a mad skill for disappointing others ...

Anyway, I want to apologize for recent immaturity of my blog. Yeah. I was only anticipating one entry about relationship and lookie here .. it got dragged out for a whole week. I feel like a freaking junior higher! There are far more interestings to write about ... *shakes head*. People have been saying its "entertaining" and "amusing." I suppose that's better than "shocking" and "horrifying." Ok Ok ... I'll work on the serious entries. All the good ideas that I had for blogging have vanished though, so that might take awhile.

(On a random note, Chris is now singing along with Silly Songs with Larry, Dance of the Cucumber.)

Anyway, I just found out the Giants lost. I'm not as devasted as I would have expected. Nevertheless, I hope Tim Worrell throws himself off a cliff and hurts himself. The Giants had in the BAG man. In the BAG. 5-3. Just had to hold on for two innings ... but noooo, they had to blow in the bottom of the 8th. And then we just fall like bowling pins in the top of the ninth. That's just plain weaksauce man. On the upside, this series has gone 7 games .. that is cool :).

I will be starting math in a bit ... I'm just a bit full from my rotisserie (hah! can't spell) chicken. Mm. Zesty. Today was pretty cool. I started walking to the warren field pretty quickly thsi morning around 8:45ish .. thinking I would just pray a bit on the way there. Well, first I went to CV .. which was closed .. so I walked back to the apt. and got some food. Still didn't pray. Then I started walking to RIMAC field .. then I realized I wasn't wearing my game shorts ... just warmups. So turned around ... got the shorts ... and went back to the field. Just had a pretty sweet time praying and chilling with God. hehe ... sounds weird ... but I think it definitely helped my performance on the field. God was on the field with me! Yeah, none of the blown coverage stuff ... which means I felt happy about the way I played. Still plenty of room for improvement though. But yeah, praying was definitely the highlight of today. It was the first time in awhile where the words just came ... where I could just talk with God .. without it being forced or manufactured. And those are one of the sweetest times in prayer you can have ... *silly grin*

So yeah, we went 1-1 today. Won the first game, lost the second. The second game was interesting, it was as if we were playing our reflection with the other people running the same type of offense as we did. We got totally screwed the first two series ... they scored a touchdown on their first series and intercepted our first pass while they were on defense. Yeah, pillaged. We took awhile to adapt though, our QB kept on chucking the long bombs ... we could have totally picked them apart with the short hits. That's just me, I'm trusting they saw something I didn't. And on defense, we had the offensive people on the sidelines giving us instructions, our linebacker saying somethign else ... we all just ended up playing somewhat of a half-zone .. half-man-to-man coverage. In other words, we got burned. *throws up hands* Just from watching and playing football I can see how those kings in the old testament totally do retarded things out of pride. *laughs* yeah God, that's why we're the stupid ones and the women are the evil ones. You have to tell us where to go and you have to keep women in check :)

Ah yes, also went to Costco today. I have no comment on that trip. Just bought a bunch of meat though. So I'm a happy man. Milk, juice, and bread. Alll the essentials. On the downside, I have a slight headache now. That is not good at all. So hopefully my physical condition will improve. I don't feel too great right now. I really need to study and make flashcards for math however. Oh yeah! That reminds me. I'm kinda screwed. Yeah. I realized my ece midterm is actually this coming friday ... and not the friday after that. So .... I have Math Midterm this wednesday ... ece on Friday .. and then Harvest retreat this weekend. I am uh, definitely, uh, looking forward to retreat now. :) Gotta keep on praying though .. make sure my hearts in the right place when I go this weekend. Pray for no distractions. Freaking nuts. NO DISTRACTIONS. Just me, myself, and I. Actually, just me and God. Some fellowship would be nice too, ;)

On a random note, its good to see Anthony is starting to find his niche in Harvest. All the girls think he's a pretty boy ... but at least he's playing football. Woo! Show me love little boy! LOL ... haha, yeah glad to see him enjoying himself and getting to know the upper classmen and what not. I mean sheesh, he already made it onto a certain duckie's blogger, that's a pretty notable achievement for frosh ;). Naw I'm just playing. I was expecting to hear about Clark first. *evil grin* ok ok, I'll stop with the inappropriateness. The bottom line: love the guy, happy for him.

Its mathing time.

Friday, October 25, 2002

Disclaimer: I did not write "have you ever been in love" and the "is it love or infatuation" entries .. those are things that I found. Sabrina, I think you were referring to those entries .. sorry to disappoint you, I'm not as good as a writer as you think :)

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Ok Ok Ok ... sorry for the depressing entries. Haha .. yeah so I said there was nothing wrong with me when I posted the love entries. Ok I lied. I was thinking about it and I was like .. well, why would I post something that is not relevant? I mean, unless its hilarious or terribly embarrassing or RELEVANT ... I wouldn't post it. So yes, I confess ... love and relationships have been on my mind.

However, I am ok. I'm ok, you're ok, we A-okay. :) Been working through some stuff ... nobody wants to be lonely right? This should be my love quote (if you've been to my room, you've seen the love poster): "I don't understand girls at all ... but I want one." Though, right now .. I don't want one. Because I don't need one. I hate girls and they should die! Wait, that was the knee-jerk response. Rewind. Uhm, I don't want one because ... a) no time ... seriously people .. if you haven't seen my schedule ... the last thing I need to be thinking about is a girl in the midst of op-amps, rlc circuits, and transitive matrices b) haha, I wouldn't be healthy for the girl .. I'm such an emotional train wreck, rollercoaster .. the girl would be asking for trouble to get in any sort of relationship c) I don't think God's taking me in that direction .. He's been telling me to set my self apart for himself only. When He starts talking about someone else or preparing me for that .. then we'll talk.

On a random note .. well semi-random ... Eileen, Janet, Joanne, Jon, and I were at Roberto's talking. So we broach the subject of Jon and Christine and what not. And Eileen predicts that i'll hook up with a girl by spring quarter this year or next year. WHATEVER DUDE. I will be glad to prove you wrong. (Of course, God's awesome, wonderful, ironic, sense of humor will send the most perfect and beautiful girl along my third year just to prove ME wrong. Hah. Not that I would have any problem with that ;).

Alright, this entry was actually completed last night around 12 ish ... but I didn't get around to posting it 'til now. In any case, I'm fine. Don't have to run around asking if I'm okay. I can't believe I got writing about relationships this early in my blogger's life. boo.

Monday, October 21, 2002

In order to get the answers you want ... you need to ask the right questions.

Am I asking God the right questions?

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Just to let you know .. there's nothing wrong here. :) I was just going through some of the stuff I saved over the years and I found these. Insightful either way :)

I promise I'll post more manly things. LOL.
Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be "friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination or in the mind. It's a soul-hurt,a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Is it Love or Infatuation?

Infatuation is a fleeting desire... one set of glands calling to another. It is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, and little bits and pieces about the relationship that would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is friendship that has caught on fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time. Love is quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you... to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by their presence, even when they're away. Miles do not seperate you. You have so many wonderful films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know they're yours, and you can't wait.

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing you."

Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together, you hope it will end in intimacy.

Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship that makes sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

Infatuation lacks confidence. When they're away, you wonder is they're being unfaithful. Sometimes, you even check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened. They feel you trust, and it makes them even more trustworthy.

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never steers you in the wrong direction.

Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you better than you were before.
Songs that leave me undone:
I Dare you to Move - Switchfoot
History Maker - Delirious
Everything - Lifehouse
Obsession - Delirious
Long To Know You - Vineyard
Angels Fall Down - Skillet
King Or Cripple - Delirious
Lead Me - Delirious
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
*sigh*

Now some would interpret that as an unhappy sigh, but I'm not quite sure. Somewhere in between a satisfied, tired, and dang-that-was-a-freaking-long-week sigh. I'm in CV right now, typing this up on my palm. On a random note,they're playing some good music. Just played Weezer's Buddy Holly and now they're playing The Sweater Song. Anyway, I stayed up until 4ish last night doing homework and playing war3 with Jon. It was good fun. Prior to that, I was forced to evacuate CLICS by a contingent of productivity killers by the names of Janet, Joanne, Eileen, and Jon. Oh, don't get me wrong .. I didn't want to study ... but I really should have. In any case, I am quite disappointed with my lack of efficiency. i need to find out what my magic formula is for completing homework on Saturdays .. because any semblance of productivity that has been exhibited throughout the week absolutely vanishes by the time I reach Saturday. Sunday is usually fine. poo.

I didn't go to church today. Because I was too tired. I was tired because I went to sleep at four. I went to sleep at four because I played two games of war3 with Jon. I played with Jon because he said (and I think) I needed a break from doing math. I needed a break because I had did all of one whole section in math. Poo again.

Played IM football yesterday. Kinda. Harvest team won! WooWoo! Even better, Bake 'N Shake won. Ahaha .. once you get the taste of victory ... you just can't get enough. *grins* Wayne joined the Harvest team this past week ... it puts us on a three-man rotation for defense ... but *shrugs* .. whatever's good for the team. I'd like to play more, but I'm not about to whine and fuss about it if we're 2-0. Sheesh, playoffs for shizzle my nizzle.

Back to not going to church. To be honest I really didn't want to go. I feel like I've been unintentionally, well, absentmindedly, avoiding God all week ... haven't done a solid time of devotions all week. I miss God. I dunno, I feel reluctant to go to church when I'm not doing well ... I'd prefer to get right with God personally before I go into a corporate setting.

Despite last week, I think I'm getting challenged a lot more as a Bible Study leader. Its difficult to share and talk about things you don't have in our own life. Its even more difficult to attempt to exhort people to do those things without coming across as arrogant. is it me speaking? Is it God speaking through me? There is no simple answer to that question. I know. I guess I'm just thinking out loud.

Been thinking a lot as of late. Relationships mostly. With Christ, with the opposite sex, with non-Christians, with brothers and sisters. I feel like I'm stuck on the fence with a lot of relationships. with Crusade on one side, Harvest on the other. Eventually I'm going to have to pick over the other. I simply cannot attempt to do both, because it shortchanges the other. Ah, no one else has these problems.

Blargh. Everything fades in the light of You, right God? Because I have nothing right now. I feel like I have nothing. I am bankrupt, I am poor, I don't know where you are taking me. If this vessel needs to be broken some more, I pray that my tears of repetance and change would be cleansed by your blood. Take my life, take my soul, take all these things that I think will make me whole. Oh God, I feel like a scuba diver who's underwater. You're my air supply ... but constantly, I look around to see things that I feel which will give me more freedom to breathe. And so I run God ... I move to those things which give me so much pleasure ... but only for that moment, only until I see something new. God, I know you have the power to change me .. but I'm not seeing the change here. If its something I'm doing wrong, speak to me. Correct me, Father. Make sure I hear it.

Help me to be vulnerable God, I insulate myself from hurt in so many ways ... I keep myself occupied to prevent feeling lonely, to prevent myself from feeling the pain. This world is one filled with pain. So i close myself to everything. Even the pleasures of life. You've called me to so much more ... help me feel again, Father. If nothing else, help me feel you, Lord. God you've placed a calling on my life ... there are so many signposts in my life that indicate that there is SO much more. But I'm walking around aimlessly God ... help me find mentors, disciplers, brothers and sisters in Christ who will nurture me. Help me to be humble to seek for help. I can desire everything in this world, but without actions to reflect those desires ... it is nothing.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Y'know, I realize that I've been complaining a lot recently. The fact that its bad. I don't think I need to let everyone know that. I guess it says a lot about my trust in God's provision and care by complaining how everything sucks. ^_-

There's a fine line between talking about what's going on and complaining. Gonna try to keep on the right side.

Dang, three mini posts in the last 12 hours. That makes one real post :)
Its amazing how much of a 24 hour day is gone to waste. Let just say I sleep for six hours a night. Maybe seven. Let's be generous. 24-7 = 17. 17 hours to do everything I've set out to do. Let's set aside 1 hour for God. That's 16. Throw in about 2 hours for food. On an average day, we have 4 hours of class. On a sucky day, we have 9 hours of stuff to do. That leads us with a window of 5-10 hours to do homework. A day.

Where the heck do those hours go!?

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

I know this space has been incredibly boring as of the last ... eight days or so. A lot of stuff has been hitting the fan. Lots of thinking. Good and bad things. I hope to start thinking out loud here ... but we'll c.

It's Wednesday night. And I"m freaking exhausted. Its only third week. *whew* There's not much more to add than that. All the stuff that was busting from my head isn't there anymore ... so I will conclude this pointless entry and go to back to my first love. Homework.

Sunday, October 06, 2002

Ach. The past couple of days have been better. I had a great late night chat with a dear friend Saturday night (or Sunday morning...depending on how you look at it). Kind of vented a lot of the stuff that's been bugging me as of late ...

So yes. I feel better. Sophomore Fellowship was good fun ... my heart seemed on insistent on feeling/being miserable ... but praise God that it didn't turn out that way. Now I'm just kind of chilling, I'm not quite sure what to do with all this emotional/spiritual luggage, I suppose I'll keep on carrying it until God lets me know what to do with it. Well, I guess I'll keep it with God until He decides I'm ready for the clean up job.

God, I'm so far from being the ideal instrument for your glory right now ... but I'm here. You've called me to come as I am: I am a sinner, that will never change. Lord, grant me your peace ... grant me the faith that I need to trust that You're in control .. because I'm not there right now. I don't even have the little faith of a mustard seed. Keep me growing even when things seem to be crumbling around me. Father I need my daily bread ... Father, you know what I need.

�Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.� Philippians 4:6-7

Audio Adrenaline - Glory

Saturday, October 05, 2002

Freaking nads. I can't believe we finally JUST finished first week. Felt waaay longer than that. *sigh* Must break out of this funk; must stop feeling sorry myself, after all, I'm the only one to blame.

I have no right to feel to this way, I have no ownership. Unfortunately, the head and heart do not seem to be agreeing with each other at the moment. Poop. Haven't I been here before? "I'm so sick and tired ... of being so sick and tired."

:-/

Friday, October 04, 2002

"If you want to kiss the sky, you better learn how to kneel." - U2

In the midst of complaining about why "everyone doesn't understand me," remember to check yourself:

41"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." - Luke 6:41-43

Thursday, October 03, 2002

Its a new day. Thank God for his grace and mercy.

*Grins* I'm starting to look forward to these blogger entries. I think I probably have issues, but I think about what I'm going to wirte about throughout the day. Yeah, I definitely have issues .. thank God this blogger is only for select consumption. Crap, I would be so screwed right now if it was on my profile and everyone could reach this junk that I spew out every couple nights.

ANYWAY, after a couple of rather uneventful days ... it appears things are picking up. And boy, are they picking up. First of all, I added MUS 4, I finally caved into my Lynbrook leanings and added a class to my measly 10 units so I would be moe respectable. LOL. It should be fun with about 8 gazzllion people that I know in that class (ok,like ... 8 or so). However, "should be fun" is irrelevent since I plan to drop it as soon as I get hooked up with EarthKam. Look Dad! I'm being responsible!

Classes have been relaively uneventful, and thus, I don't have anything to say. About Crusade however, God is great,God is cool, God provides when you don't expect it. So if you been following this mental constipation, you probably read about my social troubles at Crusade, well, more importantly, the lack of "fellowship" that we normally are supposed to be "feeling." (Yes, I know feelings are should not be emphasized too much, but work with me here.) Anyway, tonight's Muirons was awesome. During prayer, the leaders filled up the perimeter of Half Dome Lounge, which is pretty good size. i would say about 20ish leaders there. I just remember thinking,dude, if God's provided so many workers ... what's the harvest gonna be like? We're going to be experienceing massive growth! And even last year, they deliberately overpicked the number of small group leaders that they needed, just taking on faith that God was gonna grow the group. But I wasn't planning this much growth!! There was 100+ people there tonight. WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (In FOB speak, that's a one syllable expression to convey "oh my freaking goodness that's uber dope"). So yeah, I am utterly amazed by the turnout.

On the flip side (there's always a flip side), I am not utterly terrified of my responsibilities as a small group leader. I'm not qualified in any shape or form for small group leading ... I honestly feel that way. What am I going to say to these people? Disciple them? What? Are you insane? Help them with studying the Bible? Who? Naw man, I don't know how this is gonna work .. because if we're going to have an resemblance of what a "small group" is (protoype: Jesus and his twelve disciples) its totally gonna have to be a God-thang because this "Benson-and-Matt-thang" is certainly not gonna get anyone anywhere.

*whew* So yeah, I am pumped up for Crusade this year. I was able to meet some new people ... and after fumblig through so many awkward conversations during crusade events ... God blessed me with the chance to meet all CSE majors tonight. Yes, you are probably thinking "Benson is on crack." But it is amazing how much easier conversation is when the thing you have in common is major related. Was able to talk about some other stuff too ... so that was a total blessing.

Uhrm ... I was going to tr to alk about something that's been on m heart, but I dono't remember it.... nor can I think of anything else remotely intresting to write about. well, sorry for boring for y'all. We'll try this again laters.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

From page 302, CAPE 2002:

"Note to UCSD administration - just because a man has some PhDs and has taught in Kentucky, he doesn't necessarily belong here, as students in the horrendous inept and downright mean Instructor DeLong's class will tell you. Called "the worst teacher ever" by twenty-three respondents, the incompetent and mistake-prone DeLong confused the class with his disorganized, monotonous and bumbling lectures. Beside his impossible-to-follow proofs, this instructor pissed commenters off the most with "Mandatory Thursday Night Study Sessions."

Ah. I feel like some justice has been done :).

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Massive brainfart posted couple days earlier updated ... left out a paragraph ... everything makes more sense now doesn't it? :)

Random theory: I suspect much of the support for Interpraise is just a front, I don't think people are really passionate about unity. Its trendy right now, so they're doing it. We will see how this works out.
[00:30:52] themillionscry: youre breaking up with her and she doesnt even know it..

LOL .. can't all relationships work this way? :)